Disclaimers for a book that will never be written

No abstract nouns were harmed in the making of this list of disclaimers. All research was conducted reliably, and usually safely and ethically. A small number of animals were harmed, but they were neither cute nor cuddly so they don’t matter.

Everything mentioned in this work of fiction is fictional. Any similarity to actual persons, places, events, items, disclaimers, or methods of assassination is entirely coincidental. In particular, the golden throne of the serpent monarch was not based on anything; in real life it was made of a different metal. Any mystic artifacts that may have been mentioned do not actually work as depicted, and using them to power a steam engine or any other piece of technology for which they were not designed is most likely a bad idea. Any and all shadowy organizations which may have been named, described, or referred to in hushed whispers are most definitely nonexistent and do not need to dispatch any eldritch horrors to kill me.

The clothesline trick depicted in chapter three is in fact highly unlikely to work; please do not try it at home even if you have a professional-grade crossbow. It is recommended that readers refrain from altering the laws of the universe without an extensive background in cosmological engineering. The only part of this work of fiction (which I will once again stress is a work of fiction) that does work precisely as depicted is the use of mathematics to blind the attacking knights in chapter six; however usage of this method is not recommended due to unknown effect duration and possible side effects. The results of interaction between creatures of shadow that are not of this world and laser beams are not guaranteed, but for best results use a 10W green laser and you didn’t hear it from me.

Anyone promising one simple trick to lose weight, earn money from home, or learn a language in ten days is most likely lying. That one doesn’t have anything to do with this story but it seemed like good advice. Anyone who attempts the method of sneaking up on a dragon depicted in the chapter that didn’t include a disclaimer that no adventurers were harmed in the research phase is strictly liable for their own fate.

The Catholic Church does not actually have intellectual property rights to the planet Venus. Disney actually does have intellectual property rights to one of the moons of Saturn, which is why it was not mentioned in this story. I the author own the copyrights to all works covered by this disclaimer, and by reading them or this you agree to submit to my universal rule over this earth, muahahaha.

This book may contain adult content including but not limited to orbital mechanics, advanced mathematics, and linguistic descriptivism. Homemade nuclear reactors are doable, but are very dangerous and illegal and unlikely to result in time travel so don’t bother. There is actually no “c” in “aardvark.” 

At the time of writing, the legal status of zombie creation is in doubt. Assume that actions and opinions of the characters do not necessarily represent those of the author. This goes double if the character in question is the villain, and triple if they are the hero. Contents of this work should not be taken as evidence of the author’s political affiliation, religious beliefs, language fluency, writing skills, or existence. Any word with three or more unnecessary suffixes was included either because I lost a bet or in order to win one. More than four and I was just showing off.

Some details of advanced technological designs, architectural blueprints, family recipes, occult summoning rituals, state secrets, and alien anatomy have been changed in order to avoid providing readers with world-endingly dangerous knowledge. For completeness’ sake, those changes are corrected in Appendix A.

If you are a copyright lawyer, this work is the product solely of my own mind; if you are the police, someone else’s.

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6 thoughts on “Disclaimers for a book that will never be written

  1. Anonymous

    Ths is very probably your best ever submission candidate for the funny short story contest. Just as it is…

    Reply
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  3. Connie Casserly

    This was truly engaging! I was looking for support for a blog that I want to write re using superlatives and found this, “Absolutely, Never, Ever to be Matched At Any Cost” post.
    Connie

    Reply
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