Hoverboard for Sale

I’m not actively into villainy these days, at least not until that lab gets replaced. That means, some of my old equipment is up for grabs. If you’re the sort of person whose garage door opener is a gigantic knife switch, if your Tesla coils are used for both style and functionality, if people often ask you why your car has a self-destruct button, contact me about buying my hoverboard.

You’ve always known you needed transportation more befitting your genius. When you’re walking across the immaculate floors in your evil lab, no amount of maniacal laughter can make up for the fact that you’re walking. Simple, yes; effective, yes; but image? No. You need something that won’t be an embarrassment to the name of villain.

Enter the hoverboard, a small personal-sized hovercraft. I designed it for the user to stand on, but it can also be used to transport death ray parts or high-voltage traveling arcs, or whatever else you need to move around your lair. And take it from me, maniacal laughter sounds awesome from on top of this thing.

I should warn you, though; it’s not easy to learn to operate. If the first time you try it out is in a high-pressure situation, you WILL mess up and you WILL fall over and you WILL get swarmed by a herd of your own cyber-roaches. Do not get swarmed by a herd of your own cyber-roaches. Whenever you’re working with someone else’s mad science, make sure to take the time to familiarize yourself with how it works before your next climactic showdown.

Better villains than either of us sometimes have to evacuate at the last possible moment, and it never hurts to be prepared. This hoverboard can help with that. This hoverboard isn’t for sliding across your kitchen floor or showing off to your easily impressed friends. This hoverboard is for riding in from behind your enemy wielding a perfectly executed evil laugh and an energy field generator bigger than your arm.

This hoverboard is for making a quick and stylish exit when some superhumanly unmemorable meddler breaks into your lair, gives a predictable “halt, evildoer,” speech, and tries to use one of your sonic vortex cannons against you. (I will never forget the look on that guy’s face when I went gliding out of range on this very hovercraft, then switched the lab’s fusion reactor from “cold” to “very very hot.” The lab can be replaced, but moments like that are priceless.)

If you absolutely can’t find any sufficiently incredible use for a device that tells friction to shut up and shut down, then this hoverboard is for carting around the products of your mad engineering. Use it to emphasize that you’re at such a level of awesomeness that hovercraft are literally more available than wheels and a comparison to Star Wars would be insulting.

The attached pictures are not current. They are the fault of a minion who briefly stole the board before it was finished. (Well, former minion now; I fired him but gave him a glowing recommendation to a rival of mine with less tolerance for that sort of thing. Last I heard, my ex-minion had either fooled around with another bit of equipment and subsequently been used in an experiment to give a carnivorous plant a taste for human flesh, or else gone on to start a successful career as an accountant. I forget which.) Anyway, the pictures are from before I added a second motor on the other end. So that means that the board you’re buying is significantly better than the version pictured here. You’ll need that when you’re standing on it riding an explosion away from the spot where your rival’s antimatter containment field used to be.

In exchange for the hoverboard, I’m asking for $140. If your daily existence involves phrases like “incomprehensibly vast” or “more powerful than any mere explosion,” then contact me and be prepared to convince me that you’re the sort of person I should sell this to.

The hoverboard came out of the lab explosion all right, but ever since then it’s been being gradually affected by Entropy, an old enemy of mine. Some parts need to be outright rebuilt, and I haven’t gotten around to doing that. (If you want to do that yourself, I’ll knock $20 off the price). If you don’t want to do that yourself, give me some advance notice and I’ll check it over, charge it up, and make sure it’s ready to dramatically pass through any intradimensional portal as long as both sides involve a nice flat floor.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why would you pay $140 for a hoverboard? You can build your own for that! Well, I should hope so! If you weren’t mad enough to make one, you wouldn’t be mad enough to own one. But if you happen to be looking for a personal hovercraft and lack the time or the inclination to make your own, you can get this one and get right back to working on your lasersharks or clockwork zeppelins.

So go look in a mirror. If what you see is some boring regular person who’s never so much as thought of a quark-gluon plasma let alone weaponized it, then don’t even bother. Go meaninglessly exist or something, or whatever it is people who aren’t mad scientists do. But maybe you’re a lab-coat-wearing maniacal genius capable of changing the world or destroying it. Maybe when you look in a mirror you don’t see anything but the infinite blackness of the void because you replaced your mirror with a wormhole to the empty universe where you keep your toothpaste. If that’s you, then you just might be mad enough to own this hoverboard.


The previous version of the hoverboard

Pictured with useless minion.


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